Tag Archives: Christmas humor

Reindeer Games

Whether it was the epic CA wildfires that precluded this silly fitness column’s inclusion in papers near and far, or just plain editor veto, I don’t know as editors are often close-mouthed for all they’re red-penned. Still, I wanted this column to see the light of day, so I am posting it here so that the 2 remaining fans I have can ho-ho-ho it up. If I had written it strictly for WP, I most likely would have been more irreverent, but after 2 weeks of 24 hour news coverage, evacuations, and ash storms, I haven’t the energy to revamp this piece. Hope you enjoy it, nevertheless, and likewise, hope the season is treating you right.

Reindeer Games

It’s that time of year.  Again, and already, somehow the Yuletide season is upon us once more, and there’s a grab bag brimming with extra work for you to do to prepare for the big day. So join me for this fun breakdown of the “exercise” involved with the festivities, and the proper form to assume while doing it.

The starting point is obvious. At the mall. Wish lists in hand, many of us will choose to forego online shopping since you can’t beat the atmosphere—or people energy—offered at our local shopping centers. Where lights, decorations, and high spirits abound, not to mention the opportunity for the kiddies to perch on St. Nick’s lap. You have to be in good shape to hit the mall, though, because the mall hits back. More than the wallet, battling traffic and driving in circles looking for that elusive parking space isn’t for the faint-hearted, and neither is traversing multi-decker shops and toting those perfect presents home. It requires limber limbs to ensure that backs aren’t thrown out, arms aren’t strained, and Ugg-booted feet can clock the miles. Did I say Ugg-booted feet? Scratch that—better to wear a pair of supportive walking shoes to keep your toes and arches happy—ready to sprint for the last must-have technical gadget, video game, or kitsch Christmas sweater. Consider, too, stretching before hitting the stores, remembering to hold each stretch at least 30 seconds to enable the sensory organs within your muscles to override the natural tendency to snap back to original length.

For this next activity, wrapping gifts, the best way to keep your overtaxed fingers from cramping to Grinch-like claws is to pick up a hand-grip strengthener or squeeze a ball. Not a Christmas ball, for Santa’s sake—a stress relief ball, found in any sporting goods store, along with the aforementioned hand strengthener. Not only will these simple exercises keep those pretty bows recognizable as bows, but they’ll also combat the carpel tunnel syndrome tying them can bring on. Remember to bend at the knee when hefting cumbersome boxes, too, and press them to the body between chest and waist. Don’t need to break the bank and your back!

Ahh. If only those complicated toys came with instructions instead of just diagrams, the act of assembling multi-faceted fun wouldn’t be as tiresome as running a marathon—and require equi-time to complete. In this instance, a bit of calming music, and mantra of choice is your best defense against frayed nerves and blue-printed brain. (it’s a syndrome! look it up!) Personally, I find melodies pitched in the 432Hz zone to be the most conducive to saint-like composure, since this frequency is in line with the natural pitch of the Universe. Fa-la-la, you say? A fine mantra to mutter as you tackle tabs A, B, and 13…

Where to place all this fancy booty? Under a tree, of course, and whether you chop one down or shop one down, you’ll have to wrangle that Tannenbaum into the family room. Key word being family, the seasonally savvy will know this is a fine time to recruit those nearest and dearest to help with the task. Put a Tom Sawyer spin on the joys of sprucing up the place, and you’ll have plenty of time to tackle the trimming of your home’s exterior. From the eaves to the rooftop—click-click-click—you’ll want to test your twinkle lights before stringing them from ladders on high, and make sure to do an extra set of core exercises to maximize your stability on those rickety rungs. Blowing up the Noel-themed floaties for the front yard is almost as good as training in high-altitude in terms of improving lung function, while the artful arrangement of Nativity scenes or reindeer and sleigh is weight work that engages the whole body.

With so much to do, you might be tempted to buy bakery goods to leave for the fat fellow dropping by Christmas Eve. It isn’t as if he RSVP’d, but nevertheless. If you bake your own Christmas treats, you’re able to control the amount of sugar finding its way into these…ahh…stevia cookies? You don’t have to go that far, but do consider swapping honey for refined, applesauce for butter, and raisins for chocolate when you’re able. A scarcely detectable way to lighten the caloric impact of your Xmas goodies, you’ll reduce the number of hours you spend in the gym in January, too.

I suppose that wraps it up. True some of us will be going on ski trips to stay tone this year, and some will be going over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s, but for those hanging around the homestead, my final bit of advice is to hang the stockings with care—and hang a sprig of mistletoe, while you’re at it. You can burn as many as 2 calories a minute bussing your beau, and I don’t know about you, but I think that’s the nicest expression of good will toward men there is.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

Post of Lights

 
 

Diane Robiscoe original artwork

Diane Robiscoe

“Lights”

 

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONs CHATTER“Limelight”

 

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONs CHATTER

“Candlelight”

 

“Lightfoot”

 

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONs CHATTER

“Traffic Light”

 

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONs CHATTER“Flashlight”

 


Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONs CHATTER

“Lighthouse”

 

“Lightning”

 

Hey-lo, Blog-O-peeps. I missed getting to this year’s Parade of Lights, but wanted to brighten the place with a few light-hearted, streaming gleamers, anyway. I hope you enjoy this lil’ light show, and that your week is de-lightful.

 
Original Artwork “Lights” by Diane Caroline Robiscoe
Wikipedia; Lightning video author: Nathan Boor of Aimed Research
Follow Valhalla70’s on Youtube for more great videos like Lightfoot.
 
 

Saint Walmart

 
 

The holidays

are special times

marked by special Spirits,

but less appears

in literature

concerning the austerer

—imps and sprites

that tried for right

to wish you Christmas tidings…

Why, night before

I heard the lore

of Spirits now in hiding…

 
 

Take good Saint Knock

who’s deep in hock

since losing out to Nick’las

to stocking stuff

because he suffers

phobias ridic’lous…

Afraid of crawl—

–spaces–all–

(and name due to his jitters)

Knock dropped the Claus

—and gifts on lawn.

since knocking didn’t get it.

 
 

And reindeer Rudy’s

attitude toward

—booty got him booted,

as kissing rear

was nowhere near

where Santa’s sleigh was rout-ed…

And while he fawned

and flattered hard

he never got an offer,

’cause noses brown

can’t light a town

quite like a red-light topper.

 
 

And what about

the unemployed

who tried to work the season?

At North Pole Inc.

they made a stink

but cited corporate reasons…

Then implementing

ways of vetting

toy & tech designers,

height code insured

their workers were

elves…or else in China.

 
 

But never fear

most Christmas cheer’s

on layaway at Walmart…

A corporation

that killed our nation

’cause shoppers aren’t that smart.

Since one-off elves

like one-off shelves

and anything that’s BOGO…

It’s not so hard

to disregard

the “made in China” logo.

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARONs CHATTER

©K. Robiscoe

 
 

Misterfer Cristofer

Karen Robiscoe dba CHARRONS CHATTER
 
Mistefer Cristofer

came here last Christmas

a conifer cutter

on tree trimmers’ wish list

a caliper tucked into

trim tree man’s

waist since

you can’t snip a conifer
 
 
clueless of tree width

and can’t infer revelers

measure a fir’s pith

and conifers

can in fact

burgeon behemoth…

a cone for example

can f**k up a sat dish

cross channels

connections

and general bandwidth

since bracts can cause cracks

when falling from distance

so next Yuletide season

call Misterfer Cristof

His Swiss-ti-fer

army knife’s

better than twist off.
 
 
 

Meet “Missy Chris”…a female Yuletide fairy…click: Santa Baby

©Karen Robiscoe


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